Watch with Intelligence

Tonight's TV: The Closer and Saving Grace Return

Saving Grace: Erik Heinila; The Closer: Ben Kaller

It may have been The Closer (airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on TNT) that started the performance-over-plot trend we see a lot of in summer TV, but it should be said it goes about it relatively better than most shows do, and that's primarily because Kyra Sedgwick is so ay-dorable as Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson, whose tics and mannerisms are coated extra sugary by her Southern drawl. But all that's actually scaled backed a bit as the fourth season opener takes on a pyromaniac and friendly stalker of Brenda's (Jason O'Mara), who may or may not have set a forest ablaze. The cases have never, ever been challenging, but it works because they're really beside the point. It's all about Brenda as Columbo with breasts.

And after The Closer is the second season premiere of Saving Grace, where a voracious and electrifying Holly Hunter plays Oklahoma City Det. Grace Hanadarko, who can chase one of the FBI's most wanted and nurse a cold one while holding a man hostage in her house all in the same hour. I'll admit I was too hard on Saving Grace before -- it's always going to be about Hunter giving a bold performance whether I like it or not, and I think the show's realized it too. Sure, the overarching story line (Grace is continually visited by the angel Earl, played by Leon Rippey, whose constantly on her to get into heaven) can get a bit muddled, but now that it's all Hunter, all the time, we get those deep, emotional moments it couldn't quite achieve before.

Tonight's TV: Burn Notice Returns

Burn Notice: USA Networks

Last season on Burn Notice (airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. on USA), spy Michael Westen (a snappy, glib Jeffrey Donovan) was "burned," or inexplicably blacklisted by the CIA, and was left to fend for himself in sunny, pretty Miami, where he took up off-brand private eye jobs while hunting for his maker. And it looks like season 2 will be running along the same lines: the first couple of episodes has Michael working crime-busting-ish jobs for the very people who burned him -- namely Carla (Battlestar Galactica's Tricia Helfer), whose assumed the role of Michael's handler. It's not quite in the same rhythm of breezy plots with extra-snazzy dialogue, but it remains a fairly enjoyable (if unexceptional) summer trip. Grade: B

Sex and the Cities: Secret Diary of a Call Girl (New Series) and Swingtown (New Series) Reviewed

Call Girl: ITV2/Showtime; Swingtown: Cliff Lipson/CBS

Hannah (Doctor Who's Billie Piper), a coquettish twentysomething living in London, gets straight to the point in the pilot's opening scene: "The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a whore." This is the same approach she takes to her job, when she's called Belle, and when she's considered one of the best high-priced call girls across the pond. Based on the memoir The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl (penned by the real-life Belle), Secret Diary of a Call Girl (airs Mondays at 10:30 p.m. on Showtime) is that rare kind of show -- like HBO's similarly sensual Tell Me You Love Me --  that's all about sex, yet not at all.

Call Girl is more so an examination of workplace dynamics than a frisky flesh show: Hannah/Belle treats her work as her profession, preparing and performing with all the seriousness, boredom, and occasional moments of delight experienced with any job. And that makes it all the more refreshing to watch, because even though we mostly see our protagonist sleeping around, it never once feels sleazy -- in fact, many of Belle's encounters are strangely comical. There are moments when Belle, thrown from a what a client has said or done, looks dead into the camera, and with a single look of disdain, says what we've all felt: "Ugh." (None of this of course would be possible without Piper, whose performance is sick with intelligence.)

Her personal life, much of which is spent with "platonic" best friend (and ex) Ben (Iddo Goldberg), is less enticing. She can't handle, or even comprehend "everyday" life, and spends most of her time in the daylight, bemoaning it all, and wondering when she can get back in bed. She embodies the characteristics we hate in TV women: whiny, self-absorbed, and helplessly tearful. Thankfully we see her working more often, but it would have been nice to have two worlds worth seeing with her.

Quick Takes: Season Finale Edition, Pt. 2

Desperate Housewives
Sure, Marc Cherry and co. may have overestimated our interest in the kooky Katharine Mayfair, dead-baby-and-loony-husband story line, but Dana Delany's top-notch performance (heck, her sheer presence) made it all worth it. And I didn't completely scoff at the five-year flash-forward, if only because it presented the Wisteria Lane ladies with new, ostensibly more interesting situations. Grade: B+

Grey's Anatomy
Apparently, this excuse for a Prozac prescription "finally got good again." To which I say: "When was it good in the first place?" Regardless, this slightly bloated finale did send all the doctors at Seattle Grace in the directions they should have been going from the very start. And for once, histrionics addict Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) didn't leave a bitter air of resentment and self-pity -- Amy Madigan is the best therapist ever. Grade: B

How I Met Your Mother
So is Stella (Sarah Chalke) the mother or what? We need to know sooner rather than later - - or at least tells us when we'll find out. Otherwise, this was valley in one of HIMYM's stronger seasons, deflated from what seems like strike-induced story trimming: it was odd how Ted (Josh Radnor) and Stella broke up and got back together all in the same episode. But bring on Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) and Robin (Cobie Smulders)! Grade: C+

Lost
Not overwhelming or underwhelming, a refreshingly great season of Lost ended with a finale that could be considered simply whelming by any standard. And that's because that, while still told in its intricate mythology, we didn't learn much of anything we didn't already know. But the nuggets of new info were tantalizing enough: we learned that the island can be moved like a wind-up doll and that it is indeed Locke (Terry O'Quinn) inside the coffin from season 3. Grade: B+

Ugly Betty
The Lindsay fakeout was bad enough, but did the producers have to make Betty (America Ferrera) so pathetic without any inclination of self-awareness? Sheesh. The finale overall was indeed ugly, because it was the worse kind: the one where all the problems faced by its principal cast are painfully contrived. (The softball game, even with Naomi Campbell, was a trying experience.) Daniel (Eric Mabius) with a son? A French son? Come on, we've seen better hat tricks on public television. Grade: C-

Quick Takes: Season Finale Edition, Pt. 1

American Idol
The Idol finale was like a big, fat, results show, replete with hit-or-miss group performances and duets, the best of which was Brooke White's coupling with Graham Nash for a striped-down performance. The right David won (though we all know this isn't the last we'll ever see of Archuleta), and seeing host Ryan Seacrest flustered by Mike Myer's Roomba-like pillow was a treat, but unless you had your thumb close to your trusty fast-forward button, then this seemed like a long, long, long, commercial. Grade: C+

Bones
For awhile, I couldn't figure out who the fleshing-eating Gormagon was, but when it was (rather clumsily) revealed that the killer was a nobody and that Zack (Eric Millegan) was his accomplice, I was sorely disappointed. And not because this might mean losing Eric Millegan, but because it was like being baited and switched by a glorified sweep stunt. I'll forgive the obvious faking of Booth's (David Boreanaz) death, if only because it ratcheted-up the tension between him and Brennan (Emily Deschanel). Grade: B-

Gossip Girl
The finale to probably the most buzzed about show this season was the equivalent of a nicely wrapped present. The fantastic Georgina (the perfectly devilish Michelle Trachtenberg) story line was handled well, if a little too neatly, but Gossip Girl gets major points for not going for the jugular: there wasn't a desperate, pandering moment at the end of the episode that left some character dead. And that's why Gossip Girl was one of the best shows of the season -- it knows just how shameless it is, and it never lets it get the best of its characters and their plot lines. Grade: B+

House
After almost a disastrously uneven season of fixing what isn't broken, House returned to the emotional core it always had. Amber's (Anne Dudek) death was both surprising and devastating (turns out flu pills killed her), and brought the undervalued talents of Robert Sean Leonard to the forefront, with a tearful, poignant performance that would be a crime to ignore during Emmy season. And though Hugh Laurie's talents haven't gone unnoticed, its still refreshing to see his House vulnerable and affected. Grade: A-

The Office
Another show that found its footing when it counted the most, The Office managed to turn one of its weaknesses, the sometimes hour-long format, into a finale that was finely acted, well-paced, and fiercely hilarious. It moved the story for every character in a direction that made sense: Michael (Steve Carell) becomes a father (to a child that's not his), Jim (John Krasinski) and Pam (Jenna Fischer) are growing closer just as their careers are pulling them apart, Dwight (Rainn Wilson) is back with Angela (Angela Kinsey), and Toby's (Paul Lieberstein) human resources replacement, Holly (the brilliant Amy Ryan), is a welcome addition as a genuine female version of Michael. It was truly a finale to remember. Grade: A

Tonight's TV: 30 Days Returns for Season 3

30 Days: Ray Mickshaw/FX

Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me) is genuine nearly to a fault on his docuseries 30 Days (airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on FX), which kicks off season 3 tonight with Spurlock himself spending a month as a coal miner in West Viriginia. The experiments are as varied and time-sensitive as always: next week former NFL player Ray Crockett scuffles around in a wheelchair; the June 17 episode has a hunting enthusiast living in a PETA-cized clan in L.A.

It all works because Spurlock isn't going for reality TV stunt work -- confrontations don't feel staged, the people involved are just that, and there isn't an uncomfortable glaze of schlock value. Instead, it pits people in places and situations foreign to them, and asks them to look around, spend some time with the people, and see if feels different. And its all anchored with Spurlock's knowing and insightful narration that moves each episode along with a briskness only stepped up by its wit. It's all brains with lots of heart --  if only more reality TV was as easy-going and "real" as this. Grade: B+

In Plain Sight (New Series) Reviewed

In Plain Sight: USA Network

Just when it seemed like there was too many pretty-but-tough lead female characters on TV comes Mary McCormack (The West Wing) as Mary Shannon, a U.S. Marshal  who works to protect those in the Witness Protection Program. It's beginning to look like that for an actresses to play a "strong woman" on TV they have be in law-enforcement. (Can we get a surly barista, please!) But this pigeonholing seems to be rooted more in laziness than anything: In Plain Sight (airs Sundays at 10 p.m. on USA) crutches itself by nearly copying and pasting verbatim from procedurals like The Rockford Files to Bones, but without any sense of sophistication or sharply-defined characters to hold it solidly together.

In the overextended pilot (which runs 76 minutes straight), Mary takes on a mob family that is apparently connected with the murder of teenage girl. At least that's what I thought it was about. The witness cases are underwritten almost purposely so that we can see how non-girly Mary is, which is unnecessary since Mary isn't an actual character -- she's more like every bad part of every female cop the small screen has seen. And McCormack, who herself is a fine actress, doesn't really know how to react: every line is delivered through the same clenched teeth, squinted eyes, and raspy drawl of David Caruso.

Later episodes slide into an easiness anchored only by its guest stars, most notably The Wire's Wendell Pierce, who out-acts the series regulars as an over proud L.A. doctor. And even Mary's partner, the unfortunately named Marshall (Fred Weller), is a decent sidekick with yuk-yuk comebacks. Still, in the strangely intriguing pueblo jungle of Albuquerque, where In Plain Sight is set, the story lines are almost unabashedly formulaic and the dialogue is too ham-fisted to be ever taken seriously. But its Mary were In Plain Sight fails the most, saddling her with a checklist's worth of clichés that make her unnoticeable in cable's thicket of snappily jokey procedurals. Grade: C-

Tonight's TV: The Brothers & Sisters Season Finale

Brothers & Sisters: Michael Desmon/ABC

The wheel of rehashed story lines will have made a full 360 by the end of tonight's season finale of Brothers & Sisters (airs at 10 p.m. on ABC), only to begin turning again. Can't wait 'till we face the incest problem between Nora (Sally Field) and her brother Saul (Ron Rifkin) in season 4! I would say that I'm kidding if I didn't already think that such a "complication" isn't past B&S. But that's what season 2 has been -- impressively insipid. And while Kevin's (Matthew Rhys) wedding is pleasant, but don't expect anything else but problems you've already seen on this show 12 times. And flowers. Lots of flowers. Grade: C

Tonight's TV: Farmer Wants A Wife

Farmer Wants A Wife: Greg Gayne/The CW

Sincerity. Compassion. Love. These are just a few of the many qualities the contestants on Farmer Wants A Wife (airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on The CW) are looking for in Matt Neustadt, the titular farmer with pectoral muscles that could drive a tractor. Like with the scads of dating shows before it, everyone involved seems to work with their groins more often than their brains -- or neither. Then again, these are the same people who thought they could find true love in television's phoniest genre. Turns out the strike's favorite punchline is also its worst side effect. Grade: F

Weekend TV: Brothers & Sisters Return and More

Brothers & Sisters: ABC

Those boozy Walkers are back for four more episodes of whining, reeling, and drinking -- and Rob Lowe wears business casual! Forced enthusiasm! I tease because I once loved, even it was for about two episodes. Last season. What started out as a show that pathetically tried to interject teary monologues with political policy has become a slightly less pathetic show about being generally upset about...stuff?

The point of Brothers & Sisters (airs Sundays at 10 p.m.; ABC) is indiscernible, as is the chemistry among the siblings, who all seem like they would rather have their own shows than share this one. Sunday's episode -- like every episode -- has the petulant Walker children screaming at their mother (Sally Field, master hand-wringer) after her beau (guest star Danny Glover) threatens to take her away. She'd be better off. Grade: C

Tonight's TV: A Room With a View

A Room with a View: Sophie Molins/
IWC Media for MASTERPIECE

Now that we're done with Jane Austen, PBS' seminal Masterpiece Theatre focuses on other authors -- this week it's E.M. Forster's A Room With a View (check local listings for airtime), about another girl (Elaine Cassidy) who travels abroad, falls for a man (Rafe Spall) beneath her social status,  but doesn't realize it until she's ostensibly too late. Though sharply written by Andrew Davies (who also penned the illustrious Pride & Prejudice adaptation for BBC), the amended ending is neither necessary or worthy. Grade: B-

Tonight's TV: Samantha Who? Returns

Samantha Who?: ABC

"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." That's what opens tonight's episode of amnesia-stricken comedy Samantha Who? (airing at 9:30 p.m. on ABC) -- actually, call it more anemia-stricken if anything. Like the aforementioned clunker said by Barry Watson's otherwise affable Todd, Samantha Who? isn't nearly as clever as it thinks it is, and the pitfall I worried about when I originally reviewed it last fall has taken this breezy (and forgettable) comedy under. Still, Christina Applegate is great with her furrowed-browed gumption, and Jean Smart can handle any B-story you throw at her -- just don't expect much more. Grade: C+

Geeky Euphoria with a Dash of Political Intrigue: The Final Season of Battlestar Galactica Reviewed

Battlestar Galactica: Justin Stephens

Battlestar Galactica (airing Fridays at 10 p.m. on Sci-Fi) always seems to enter a new season with a collective gripe from both the fervent fanboys and television critics: "Why is it that no one bothers to watch this brilliant, brilliant show?" To which I say: "Have you heard the title?" Would you get an emotionally taut, deftly relevant, celestial drama centered around the human condition out of a title like Battlestar Galactica? That airs on Friday nights on Sci-Fi, home of such lowbrow fare like Rock Monster?

You wouldn't, and that's Battlestar's greatest accomplishment -- it turned what was supposed to be a rehashed "re-imagining" of the cornfest 1978 ABC series into one of TV's most important series, delving deep into raw human emotion without ever sacrificing what most of the marginal fan base initially signed-up for: star-dotted laser battles, dangerously attractive women, an intrinsic, overarching mythology, and deep, inside-baseball colloquialisms that would signify "frak" as the go-to replacement for another four-letter expletive. The geeks and intellectuals can hang out together, and no one loses any fingers. It's a polarizing effect.

And like the fanboys always cry, Battlestar Galactica has never been about science fiction. It's an allegory that just so happens to be set in a different reality, one where the human race has been whittled down to less than 50,000, and Earth is merely a story in a book. Oh, and there's the Cylons (a mechanical race created by humans as quintessential slaves), whose evolution into thinking, breathing, humanoid beings has been the series' centerpiece sticking point, facilitating many a tale of politics, religion, and humanity.

Its fourth and (sadly) final season picks-up immediately where we left season 3 -- with Lee "Apollo" Adama (Jamie Bamber) ascending a throng of Cylon battleships as Kara "Starbuck" Thrace (Katee Sackhoff) glides next to him, telling him that she's been to Earth, and knows how to get them there. This comes after she was assumed dead -- for nearly six months in the show's timeline.

What else happens I can't say -- Sci-Fi is putting everyone who received a screener under a strict confidentiality agreement. All I can say is this: Starbuck's return creates palpable tension amongst the crew, Baltar's (the wonderfully teary James Callis) significance will be made clear, and the opening and closing minutes are important to the mythology. One more thing: it's fraking good. Grade: A-

[UPDATE: Battlestar Galactica airs Fridays at 10 p.m. on Sci-Fi. Also: trackbacks have been enabled.]

The Tudors (Season 2) Reviewed

The Tudors: Jonathan Hession/Showtime

If memory serves me, World History was never this lurid. That's what happens when you have a period piece where no one seems to be having any fun at all. The Tudors (airing Sundays at 9 p.m. on Showtime), now in its second season, isn't any less dull -- the ostensibly entrancing feud between  pugnacious King Henry VIII (a mustachioed Jonathan Rhys Meyers) and the Catholic church is rendered belaboring with a lifeless script, and Henry and Anne's (Natalie Dormer) is about as believable as Heidi and Spencer's. A one-hour lecture would be more engaging this. Grade: C-

The Riches (Season 2) Reviewed

The Riches: FX

Season 2 of The Riches (airing Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on FX) opens to the madness we left it in: the Malloys -- part of an Irish-American clan of gypsies known as Travellers -- are scrambling to leap their biggest hurdle since impersonating the Riches, a wealthy suburban couple who purchased a McMansion in the baneful Southern community of Edenfalls. The premiere has the family split up, with Dahlia (Minnie Driver) hitting the road with the kids as Wayne (Eddie Izzard) stays behind to deal with Pete (Arye Gross), Mr. Rich's best friend who discovers the Malloys for who they are.

In this strike-shortened season, things return to Edenfalls come episode 3 when the prospect of a cushy $13 million draws Wayne back to his fake job as a real estate lawyer for a fraudulent firm. But to the Malloys, it's not about the money, it's about the freedom the money could bring. Meanwhile, Dahlia's psychopathic cousin Dale (Todd Stashwick) is busy trying to wriggle his way into the Malloy fortune, anyway he can.

Season 2 isn't any less ridiculously implausible as the first (How has Wayne not screwed up some legal proceeding?), and it's just as annoying when the family's hairy situations only get hairier and hairier, with no end. But what's real is worth staying for: Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver are the perfect con couple, devastating and hilarious, they're the embodiment of a fully-realized Riches. Grade: B

Tonight's TV: Miss Guided

Miss Guided: ABC

Miss Guided's (airing tonight at 10:30 p.m. on ABC) leading lady, Judy Greer, should have had her own show a long time ago. As high school loser-turned-guidance counselor Becky Freely, she isn't doing half bad -- Becky's the same of kind of spastic, furrowed-browed sweetheart that Greer played so perfectly on Arrested Development. But besides Greer, this comedy is mostly forgettable because its so formulaic (the dumb love interest, the arch nemesis returns). And for reasons unknown (besides extremely lazy writing), all the characters speak directly into the camera. It's best just to adore Greer, and glaze over the rest. Grade: B-

Tonight's TV: The Return of Jezebel James

The Return of Jezebel James: Eric Liebowitz/Fox

The Return of Jezebel James (airing tonight at 8 p.m. on Fox) is so jarringly awful, my media cabinet nearly recoiled in shock. This new sitcom from Gilmore Girls creator Amy Sherman-Palladino is embarrassingly unfunny, much of which can be attributed to the stilted tone that tries to set a laugh track to Palladino's lightning-fast, pop culture-savvy colloquialisms -- nothing really lines up the way it should. And Parker Posey's performance as a shrill and flighty children's-book editor leaves only more yearning for Lauren Graham to return to the small screen. It's an unbearable, tragic mess. Grade: D-

Tonight's TV: Men in Trees

Men in Trees: ABC

Tonight's episode is sort of like the second season premiere we were supposed to get before the despicable success of October Road ended Men in Trees' (airing tonight at 10 p.m. on ABC) first season early, and caused the remainder of last season and this season to be rolled altogether. But I'm over that, and just in time too: we finally deal with Jack's (James Tupper) fate, and Anne Heche gives the performance of her career. Prepare to weep -- and laugh, and cheer, and revel in the delight that this show is finally back. Grade: B+

Tonight's TV: Oprah's Big Give

Oprah's Big Give: ABC

It should be called Oprah Winfrey Presents: An Intimate Hour of Altruism. I joke only because I kind of like it: Orpah's Big Give (airs tonight at 9 p.m. on ABC) is blissfully charitable (it sends people nationwide to help others in need) while being downright proud of the near-saccharine philanthropy. Thing is, it feels a little weird watching the struggles of others being used as challenges in a competition. (To the 10 contestants' credit,  they don't know there's a million-dollar prize waiting for the winner.)

Oprah herself doesn't make much of an appearance, and the competition angle is just unnecessary -- you don't see Ty Pennington voting construction workers out of a destroyed house. Regardless, Big Give scores for make us feel, like on tonight's premiere, which features a woman and her two daughters struggling to make ends meet after she's been widowed. Sniff. Break out the tissues already. Grade: B-

Dirt (Season 2) Reviewed

Dirt: Michael Becker/FX

Turns out that trashy tabloid drama Dirt (airs tonight at 10 p.m. on FX) is slightly less vile in season 2, which changes up the storytelling by taking real-world gossip rag headlines and making them their own -- in the sordid, purely shock-value way it usually does. Best of all -- though it should be said that this best is like a less horrible worst -- Don (Ian Hart) is taking medication for his schizophrenia. No more bizarre trips or talking cats! But still, Hart is a major weak link, and Courtney Cox continues to look trapped as the cut-throat, morally-ambiguous Lucy Spiller. Grade: C-

Tonight's TV: quarterlife

quarterlife: NBC

quarterlife (debuts tonight at 10 p.m.), a MySpace import by thirtysomething and My So-Called Life producers Marshall Herskovitz and Edward Zwick isn't something neither the web or television hasn't encountered before: a soap about whiny, self-involved twentysomethings trying to figure life out in an over-conceptualized depiction of the current Web 2.0 generation. Worse, it's so intent on giving off indie/hipster sensibilities that it winds up being more like self-parody. But like Herskovitz and Zwick's previous series, these characters are inherently interesting all while being painfully grating. Grade: C

Tonight's TV: A Raisin in the Sun

A Raisin in the Sun: Peter Stranks/ABC

Like the Lorraine Hansberry play, A Raisin in the Sun (8 p.m., ABC) opens with the Langston Hughes poem "A Dream Deferred," where this impassioned, beautiful work gets its title, and is the basis of this drama, which puts an entire family's  fate in the hands of a measurable insurance check. Starring the cast of the 2004 Broadway production, this television adaption is rife with excellent, almost unreal performances -- including from rapper Sean Combs. But it's the women in this special that make Sun shine the most. Grade: A-

America's Next Top Model (Season 10) and Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious (Season 2) Reviewed

America's Next Top Model: Eric Liebowitz/The CW
Pussycat Dolls: Michael Yarish/The CW

America's Next Top Model on The CW (premiering Wednesday at 8 p.m.) stopped being about modeling sometime after season -- pardon me, cycle -- 4 winner Naima purred her way through the competition like a mumbling cat with a personality disorder. But we know that. ANTM (as its called among Top Model-ites) is merely -- and somewhat sadly -- an extension of The Tyra Banks Show, which  even gets a plug during next week's photo shoot. (Wednesday's episode is nothing more than a casting special, so I'd suggest skipping it for sobriety purposes.)

But it's not about Tyra, and it's not about these snooty, wannabe runway-stompers either -- ANTM is strictly an unequivocal 13-week experience we go through every fall and spring, but with never much contention. And that's because there aren't any expectations left for Tyra and her team of judges, and now the show just runs like a streamlined amusement park tour: utterly predictable after already visiting nine times -- Tyra touches on an "issue," someone steals food, girls argue for no discernible reason -- but the familiarity remains inviting.

It's doubtful The Pussycat Dolls Present (premiering tonight at 9 p.m.) will ever reach the same level of reliable kitsch ANTM has managed to achieve, because it was never actually, you know, good. Or even coherent. Last season was The Search for the Next Doll, which crowned a winner (who opted for a "solo" career, or as we all read it: not marketable), and is now subtitled Girlicious, which will be the name of the new trio of women who will become the latest ten-second stars of a reality show unworthy of any attention it tries to get by masquerading as an empowering, earnest challenge for girls looking to be "role models." America's Next Top Model: B, Girlicious: D-

Tonight's TV: Welcome to the Captain

Welcome to the Captain: Michael Yarish/CBS

How odd to see a single-camera comedy on the older-skewing CBS. Welcome to the Captain (airing at 8:30 p.m.), a hapless, glib trifle, probably won't have Les Moonves begging for a season two. About a struggling writer (Fran Kanz) who moves into the titular Hollywood apartment building, Captain is full of predictable oddball types, including a witless Chris Klein as the best friend and out-of-place Jeffrey Tambor as gossip hound "Uncle" Saul. Never outright terrible, but not especially funny either, Captain is mostly bland. Grade: C+

Lipstick Jungle (New Series) Reviewed

Lipstick Jungle: Virginia Sherwood/ NBC

A month ago ABC presented us with Cashmere Mafia, an atrocious, trite romp of an hour fitting of its title, which harbors horrifying images of Lucy Liu holding men at gunpoint while wearing tacky cashmere gloves. And now the marginally less generic Lipstick Jungle -- which also happens to be about high-powered women in Manhattan -- arrives on NBC tonight at 10 p.m. with an equally terrible title, but a nearly sensible approach to knocking-off Sex and the City. Viewed strictly as what it is, (a predictable weapon brandished by Sex creator Candance Bushnell against nemesis Darren Star, head exec for Cashmere), Lipstick Jungle is only better than Cashmere Mafia because it's characters aren't so easily maligned all the time. And there's only three of them to contend with, two of whom aren't entirely forgettable, boring, or ridiculous -- which describes all four women on Cashmere.

There's Wendy, played with as much willingness Brooke Shields can muster as a movie studio executive who foolishly thinks a Galileo biopic starring Leonardo DiCaprio actually has an audience. I would point out the mildly clever allusion to real-life studio executives, but that would be giving the show way too much credit for writing that's just dreadful: there's a scene in the pilot in which Wendy negotiates over the phone for DiCaprio -- the result is a laughable attempt to make Wendy seem like a toughened pro. Good thing though that Shields has a enough head shots of her looking weary of her work -- you get desperate for a little meta after scenes with Wendy on her own, especially after we meet her husband played by Paul Blackthorne, who also seems to be doing whatever he can to salvage a role as thankless as the insecure husband.

Kim Raver fares far better as an editor for a culture magazine eerily similar to Vanity Fair. Her Nico is a fusion of the characters she's previously played on TV, most notably the authoritative slice of 24's Audrey Raines and the uninterested lawyer of The Nine's Kathryn. She's also married to an older man that stopped looking at her, and turns to the muscled arms of younger, more affectionate Kirby (Robert Buckley) for solace. But Raver goes for it where Shields seems like she just can't do silly -- she never really sounds stupid because she plays Nico with a thawed intelligence that's more believable than Bonnie Somerville wondering if she's a lesbian or not on Cashmere Mafia.

And then there's, and I'm not joking, a fashion designer named Victory Ford, a character filled with vapidity and bountiful amounts of histrionics by Lindsay Price, fresh off of the canned WB series Pepper Dennis. Remember that horrible writing I was talking about? Well, its being unloaded here, and in quantities inhumane: after her latest collection was panned by critics, she actually says, "I'm way too close to my product, but I don't know how to be any other way!" Are you kidding me? Who knew such threats to the English vernacular existed outside of October Road? She'd also being courted by a pathetic ode to Mr. Big, billionaire Joe Bennett (a puzzled-looking Andrew McCarthy), that's just easier to ignore than groan over.

Two out of three? Better than zip out of four, but not entirely reassuring either: the end of the pilot has them sipping drinks on a balcony, Nico and Wendy huddled together for warmth. Victory is off to side, just sort of...there. Sure they dish, and talk, and share their men problems, but it all lacks cohesion. The women in Lipstick Jungle may be more genuine and interesting (save for Victory) than those of Cashmere Mafia, but it doesn't make them any less incompatible. Grade: C

Miss Austen Regrets (TV Movie) Reviewed

Miss Austen Regrets: BBC 2007 for MASTERPIECE

Masterpiece is going four for four with it's latest addition of The Complete Jane Austen series, Miss Austen Regrets (9 p.m.; check local listings), a production about her life based on her body of books and letters addressed to her sister and niece. Jane (a brilliant Olivia Williams), just around the corner from turning 40 and in the middle of writing Emma, schools young Fanny (Imogen Poots) about love, loss, and how to find the right suitor. Written with candor and wryness by Gwyneth Hughes (who also penned HBO's mini Five Days), Miss Austen Regrets is the strongest outing of the Jane Austen collection yet -- too bad it's on against the Super Bowl in most of the country. Just record it -- the Super Bowl, that is.  Grade: A-

Lost (Season 4) Reviewed

Lost: Mario Perez/ABC

Let's face it: Lost (returning tonight at 9 p.m., on ABC) has had a rough track record over its three seasons. It started as a phenomenon, a true cultural and societal masterpiece that created viewers who would stop the show to understand it -- a DVR remote became a requisite device. And we loved every minute of it. And then season 2 came, and we got frustrated. Because for a while there, we were getting strung along in a collection of dangerously unfocused episodes -- but then we got the implosion-induced, purple-tinged sky goodness of "Live Together, Die Alone," and we forgave it.

There's a list of grievances against season 3 -- the shortlist being the crack cast additions of Nikki and Paulo, the claustrophobic first eight episodes (which incidentally took place inside cages), an uneven second-half, and a scheduling plan that just didn't seem worth the trouble. But like Lost, it managed to redeem itself within its last stretch of episodes, including the game-changing finale, "Through the Looking Glass," which, frankly, was probably the best episode network television has ever offered. That and the fifth season finale of Buffy, but I'm not picking favorites here.

So now after exec producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse announced that Lost would be ending in 2009, we effectively know that sometime between now and then we're going to get some answers. (Interestingly, tonight's episode is titled "The Beginning of the End.") Which is nice, since Season 4's first two episodes -- which are riveting, pulsating, magnificently executed hours -- maintain the lots-of-questions-with-very-little-to-no-answers style narrative that some Lost fans have come to begrudge, but is something that should prove to lead to a huge payoff in the coming seasons.

And while I want to mention who's doing what and where in the premiere and next week's episode, I can't -- I'm under strict authority from ABC, who included a list of everything I and critics aren't allowed to say. (Thing is, ABC initially denied review screeners -- my request was replied with this: "We're not planning [to send out screeners] due to spoiler issues." Luckily they changed their minds.) A smart move on ABC's part -- viewers deserve to enjoy Lost's enthralling experience to the fullest.

So with that it mind, all I can say is that it's truly Lost at its prime tonight, showing rewarding growth by kicking off with two powerful episodes that we usually don't get until the end of a season. We may be only getting a strike-induced ration of eight episodes, but that doesn't mean we can't savor the little time we get with this brilliant show. Grade: A-

Eli Stone (New Series) Reviewed

Eli Stone: Richard Cartwright/ABC

ABC's Eli Stone (premieres Jan. 31 at 10 p.m.) opens with its reluctant hero, Eli (Johnny Lee Miller), an up-and-coming corporate attorney, carrying his father's ashes in a Chock Full o' Nuts coffee can in the Himalayas. Later George Michael performs "Faith" in the middle of his living room, and in episode 2 a bi-plane chases him across San Francisco. Problem is, Eli's the only one who can see and hear any of it. It's either -- according to his doctor brother (Matt Letscher)-- hallucinations brought on by an inoperable brain aneurysm, or -- according to his part-time acupuncturist/fountain of sagely-wisdom friend (James Saito) -- he's a modern-day prophet. For everyone's sake, let's hope it's the latter.

He gets these visions just after proposing to his girlfriend Taylor (Natasha Henstridge), who happens to be the daughter of his boss, played with fatherly astuteness by Victor Garber, finally in a post-Alias role that suits him (he even gets to sing in episode 2). And because there seems to be little options for TV lawyers, Eli's apparitions push him into doing good by helping mothers prove that vaccines cause autism and annulled marriages aren't fair when one partner is in a coma for five odd years. Sweepingly beautiful? Yes. Precious? Almost too much. Eli Stone would be better off being more My Name Is Earl gilded than The Guardian derivative.

As the latest addition to producer Greg Berlanti's repertoire (which includes Everwood, Brothers & Sisters, and Dirty Sexy Money), Eli Stone resembles Ally McBeal with spiritual undertones more than his previous work, but it proves to be a snappy legal dramedy with a good amount of smarts, and has a lead that's instantly likable in Johnny Lee Miller.

Miller, last seen in the short-lived CBS series Smith, is an affable, genial performer, allowing Eli to be befuddled, yet never overly-ironic. Which is great, because his ability alone can counteract the needlessness of Veronica Mars' Julie Gonzalo, who plays Eli's partner Maggie in his do-good cases as a twit with a bad dye job. If it sticks with the doing good while dancing along to '80s pop, Eli Stone could easily be a vision of spiritual bliss -- or contemptibly quirky. Grade: B

Quick Takes: 10 Items or Less, Friday Night Lights, Law & Order, and Northanger Abbey Reviewed

10 Items or Less
Tuesdays, 11 p.m., TBS

Almost a year ago, when 10 Items or Less premiered, I said that "the unscripted dialogue with the scripted situations just ends up canceling each other out, leaving barely enough laughs for the express checkout." I want to revoke that statement -- there aren't any laughs at all in season 2, so there's no point in me going to the checkout at all, express or otherwise. It's the same show: dim-witted, a little desperate, and not nearly as funny as it thinks it is. Grade: D-

Friday Night Lights
Fridays, 9 p.m., NBC

For a minute there it seemed like last year's best new series was stuck in a sophomore slump, complete with ratings-desperate story lines like the murder of Tyra's (Adrianne Palicki) rapist and subsequent dumping of the body in a river. But that's all past us. It's back to good 'ol Friday Night Lights, with the winning, utterly natural husband-wife duo of Eric (the taciturn Kyle Chandler) and Tami (Connie Britton, who anchors the show with stabilizing sanity) Taylor, and those troubled, prideful Panther football players. It's a TV show now (before it was almost dangerous real) with the occasional attractive, Guatemalan in-home nurse and the ex-con's playing house with Buddy Garrity (Brad Leland). Still, Friday Night Lights the TV show is pretty great itself. Grade: B+

Law & Order
Wednesdays, 10 p.m., NBC

Could it be that the addition of two new cast members and the long-overdo ascension of Jack McCoy (Sam Waterson) to D.A. could reinvigorate the 18 seasons-and-running Law & Order? Close. It isn't an Angie Harmon revival and Jerry Orbach's presence is still sorely missed, but L&O is edging ever closer to becoming a truly top-notch procedural again. And a lot of it can afforded by the recent addition of Jeremy Sisto as Det. Cyrus Lupo and Linus Roache as Exec A.D.A. Michael Cutter. Sisto is a gravitas-rich performer with hounding eyes and Roache brings all the bite and tension that the courtroom had been missing. For the first time in many years, Law & Order is actually appointment television -- it's so nice to see it again. Grade: B+

Northanger Abbey
Check local listings, PBS

The second installment in PBS' Complete Jane Austen series, Northanger Abbey, could easily be mistaken for a Disney Channel movie: Catherine Morland (Meadowlands' Felicity Jones, who brings a goodly amount of young-faced naiveté), a middle class bookworm who suffers the occasional flights of fantasy, receives an invitation to join the wealthy elite in Bath, England, where she meets -- sigh -- the man of her dreams. It's not quite ask yuk-yuk cute as the Mouseketeers, but Northanger Abbey is unsurprisingly the least adapted (and read, for that matter) of all of Austen's work. Nevertheless, it's breezy, charming, mostly generic fun. Grade: B

Photos | 10 Items or Less: Danny Feld, Friday Night Lights: NBC, Law & Order: Will Hart/NBC, Northanger Abbey: ©ITV plc (Granada International) for Masterpiece™

Persuasion (TV Movie) Reviewed

Persuasion: Nick Briggs/PBS

Persuasion (check local listings) kicks off a revamped Masterpiece Theatre on PBS. Part of Masterpiece Classic, this is the first in three, different themed arcs, with Classic showcasing film adaptations of Jane Austen's novels, called The Complete Jane Austen, which will be hosted by Gillian Anderson. So to clear up any remaining confusion as to what I'm talking about, the title is more like this: Masterpiece Theatre: Masterpiece Classic: The Complete Jane Austen: Persuasion with Gillian Anderson. Got it?

Teasing aside, Persuasion is a lush retelling of Austen's final novel with devoted performances, beautiful landscapes, and a manageable run time of 90 minutes (previous specials often ran in commercial-free, two-hour increments over a few weeks). About Anne Elliot (Sally Hawkins, who makes, pensive, defeated looks seem like art), who dumped her lower-income Captain Wentworth (Rupert Penry-Jones) after her proud father (Buffy's brilliant Anthony Head) pushed her to aim higher than median income.

Now several years later, Wentworth returns rich and a naval star, and Anne is still unmarried, living at home, and is being tagged as a spinster. Originally published in the 19th century, Persuasion is what we would now call a chick flick, but it's better than your factory-produced, yuppie comedy. And that's because it isn't trying to be cute -- it's all about second chances, and what we decide to do with them. Grade: B+

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (New Series) Reviewed

Sarah Connor: Patrick Ecclesine /Fox

Within the last few moments of Fox's Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles'  pilot, there is a plot twist that's all too familiar to the source material -- within its context, it's really just narrative symmetry. That's what happens when you try to reboot a franchise with a post-trilogy side story: you get the feeling that its all happened before. Plus, you already know how it ends. Sarah Connor (premiering Sunday at 8 p.m. and continuing Monday at 9 p.m.) is probably doomed to comply to some loose state of predictability, but what it does until its end could prove interesting.

Taking place after Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Sarah Connor follows the title character (300's Lena Headey) and John (Heroes' Thomas Dekker) as they work to bring down Skynet before the world is supposed to end in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. And no, previous viewing of the Terminator films is not required to understand the story. The premiere has them uprooted and in hiding in a small New Mexican town, where John, missing another life he had to leave behind, meets Cameron (Firefly's Summer Glau), a terminator he sent himself from the distant future to protect himself. Everything seems to kick into gear immediately after their meeting -- she bashes a pickup into the terminator who's been hunting him and his mother, swings the passenger door open, and drops a quote: "Come with me if you want to live." This would be terribly contrived hadn't it been Glau uttering such banalities -- she matches her robotic insides with a detached delivery that slicks up the mostly over-the-top dialogue.

And from there it's a straight shot of gun play, people being thrown through walls and across cheap furniture, and lots of worried fleeing and screaming. The only question left is lead Lena Headey. In comparison to fellow British actress Michelle Ryan -- who really struggled to rise to the occasion opposite fiercer actors like Katee Sackhoff and Isaiah Washington in Bionic Woman -- she's more polished and tons more believable. A star, however, she is not. She's too dainty to imagine her as a future Linda Hamilton and doesn't have quite enough range to be the next Jennifer Garner, which is routinely exhibited in her scenes, which often require her to be serious, which she nails, but too often overworks. Can she be better than an intermediate-level performer? Definitely, especially if Sarah Connor can develop a reason for us to invest in this otherwise decent prequel. Grade: B

Cashmere Mafia (New Series) Reviewed

Cashmere Mafia: Patrick Harbron/ABC

The characters in ABC's Cashmere Mafia (premiering tonight at 10 p.m. before moving to the same time on Wednesdays) have the collective gravitas of a feather. There are only two types of women on this show: the uptight, abusively righteous, over-ambitious, business school-attending, corporate mega-women who grapple with their either stupid or cheating husbands and mostly non-existent children, and the track suit-clad, primmed and primed 'do-wearing,"stay at homes," who head the school booster club while thieving to steal working mothers' husbands and children. The men are in one way or another rendered inferior beings in this very distasteful take on neo-feminism.

Produced by Sex and the City honcho Darren Star, Cashmere Mafia works to do what so many have tried (and failed) to do before it: create an estrogen-fueled dramedy focused around strong women facing Big Problems in the Big Apple. It's no easy feat, and for what it takes, Cashmere Mafia misses the target completely. It's main characters, who populate the titular "mob," are simply too predictable for us to care: Miranda Otto desperately tries to channel the same cold viciousness used by Marcia Cross and Dana Delany on Desperate Housewives with little avail as Juliet, the member who hedges her anger towards her cheating husband because, being the chick lit cliché that she is, she knows its so tough for men to have less power than their wives; Caitlin (Bonnie Somerville), rather arbitrarily, takes up lesbianism, tired of her spinster lifestyle; and poor Lucy Liu, she has chops, but doesn't have much room to show them when she's sidelined with the most boring story line (she beats out her fiancée, an over-smiley Tom Everett Scott, for a promotion, and their relationship is subsequently quashed); Zoe (Frances O'Connor) has the honor of having the most generic story line, but saves itself from complete stillness with O'Connor's willingness to play the working mom rag.

But what's even more annoying is the lack of chemistry: not a single one of these women's interactions feel real. Nothing Cashmere Mafia does -- whether its exasperated and needy voicemails to one another or cheap talk over drinks -- succeeds in selling these women off as actual friends. Perhaps Sex and City author Candace Bushnell will have greater success with her NBC counterpart Lipstick Jungle, which stars Brooke Shields, Kim Raver, and Lindsay Price and has a brighter outlook between the two. But that won't debut until February, and for now Cashmere Mafia only has the advantage of premiering first, and nothing else. Grade: C-

Gossip Girl Re-Reviewed

Gossip Girl: Eric Liebowitz/The CW

Could it be the uproarious shamelessness of these Upper East Side teens -- oh, who cares if someone gets hurt at a after-hours pool party? Our daddies can donate a new library! Perhaps the surprisingly unpretentious relationship between have-not Dan (Penn Badgley) and have-more Serena (Blake Lively)? The luxurious outfits and that Starbucks-on-acid soundtrack? Whatever it is, The CW's Gossip Girl (Wednesdays, 9 p.m.) -- a silly, sudsy, and fun hour -- is almost a pleasure that isn't guilty.

Sadly, Gossip Girl's steady stream of effusive affluence is being forced to take time off by this wretched strike, leaving only two episodes left to air in 2008, and both of them happen to be about "scandals." Neither of them -- the aforementioned pool party and a pregnancy debacle -- isn't any less superfluous than anything else this show has ever done, but they both open up opportunities for the lovesick Dan to express his unrequited love for Serena, and for villainess Blair (Leighton Meester) to finally get busted for her left and right infidelities. The former is the most oddly genuine story line for a gussied-up teen dramedy that's stitched together and ripped apart by a Defamer-type blogger (skillfully voiced by Kristen Bell with the same snappiness she used on the late Veronica Mars).

This Josh Schwartz-fronted creation, surprisingly not self-impressed and riddled with listless pop culture references, is less likely to cop-out mid-run from over Sethcohenization -- that smarmy, self-effacing swagger all too overworked at times on The O.C. -- and will probably kill off a character as a sweeps stunt -- if it ever gets there. This strike is going to take its heaviest toll in early '08 as the last remaining episodes of scripted shows trickle out, and shows start to disappear in favor of reality fare. Gossip Girl, unlike most of the new fall series, will feel like a victim when it goes dark. Grade: B+

Crowned (New Series) Reviewed

Crowned:  Michael Desmond/ The CW

On The CW's Crowned (premiering tonight at 9 p.m., and continues in its regular time at 8 p.m next week), mothers and their daughters doll-up for "the mother of all pageants." Which is a completely inaccurate description -- it should sound more like "the most grating hour of inhuman blabbering." This competition, a reality show pitch gone horribly, horribly wrong, pits 11 mother-daughter duos against each other in tests of personal style, political expression (World peace anyone?), and talent for a cash prize and sparkly tiaras.

These women are creatures possibly unseen by the human eye: born from scrapped Botox needles in the dumpster outside of a Sephora outlet, they gather in the usual reality TV McMansion -- complete with decked-out amenities -- to verbally rip out each others throats and work their passive-aggressive muscles into a nice flex.  And as they travel through the reality television assembly line they have their predictably catty, yet inoffensive panel of judges (that includes Queer Eye's Carson Kressley and former Miss USA Shanna Moakler, with a perfect robotic delivery) installed, and give their catfight claws a good sharpening.

The premiere's challenge has them working together to choose a team name, and to create a good first impression. So in some sort of testament to reality TV vapidness, the already seemingly-senseless teams choose idiotic names like Blonde Bombshells ("Because we're intelligent!"), and -- here's a winner from a proclaimed "doctor" -- Silent But Deadly. Yes, the ostensibly cheerful and sustainable team hadn't a clue that their name is derived from flatulence.

It's possible that some slick editing is at work here, but who would really be surprised that these beauty queens are actually horrifying monsters? Not me. Even when I try to give Crowned a fair shot by attempting to invest in the competition, The CW cuts off the final second of the first "desashing" on the advance screener. And as the TV screen told me to watch the premiere of Crowned tonight to find out who got the boot, I realized that I couldn't care less. These women deserve only themselves. Grade: D-